I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
