none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
