dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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