she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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