I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
