I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
