I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
