last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
