it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
