what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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