that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
splinters make it hard to masturbate
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
