sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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