If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
