I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
