I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
