In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
