make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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