I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
