We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
