I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
