Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
