Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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