An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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