go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
