So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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