I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
