Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
