i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
