I'm going to jail i love you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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