There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..