I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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