Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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