Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way