He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
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i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you