Sorry, I don't speak sober.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Let's get the cat blown out
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
