haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
