when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
