She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
