Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
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I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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