she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
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I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"