I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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