It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
