so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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