I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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