I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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