I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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