he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
