I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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