I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
