Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
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Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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