just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
