Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
