I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
