I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
