So drunk its hurt
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
