The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
