Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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