Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
