I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
