cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
