and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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